From Holding Their Hand to Letting Them Go
How the role of a grandparent changes as a child grows
There is a special kind of trust in the hand of a small child tucked securely into yours.
At three or four years old, they reach for your hand without thinking. They need help crossing the road. They need someone to explain why the stove is hot, why they have to wait their turn, why they cannot always have what they want, and why sometimes things go wrong.
At that age, being a grandparent can feel wonderfully simple. You hold their hand. You keep them safe. You answer their questions. You help them make sense of their little world.
And then, almost before you realise it, they begin to let go.
When they are little, we show them
The early years are filled with first lessons. Some are practical. Put the toy back on the shelf. Do not touch something hot. Take turns. Look before you cross the road.
Others are much bigger than they first appear. Try again when the tower falls down. Say sorry when you hurt someone. Notice when another child is sad. Understand that sometimes the answer is “not today.”
These may seem like small childhood moments, but underneath them children are beginning to learn patience, empathy, responsibility, resilience and self-control.
Grandparents have a wonderful opportunity during these years. We can slow things down. We can turn an ordinary moment into a conversation. We can tell a story. We can let them try again. And sometimes we can simply sit on the floor beside them until the puzzle piece fits.
Then they begin to ask “Why?”
As children move through the primary school years, their world becomes bigger.
Friends become increasingly important. They begin comparing themselves with others. They experience success and disappointment. They want more independence. They start asking questions that do not always have simple answers. “Why doesn't she want to play with me?” “Why does he have something I don't?” “What if I can't do it?” “Was that fair?” “What should I do?”
Our role begins to change. We are no longer simply telling them what is safe or right. We are helping them learn how to think.
Instead of immediately giving the answer, we can ask: “What do you think?” “How do you think your friend felt?” “What could you try next time?”
Little by little, we move from directing to guiding.
Then come the teenage years
And suddenly, the conversations become more complicated. Friendship can become belonging. Disappointment can feel like failure. A disagreement with a parent can feel enormous.
There may be peer pressure, social media, relationships, questions about identity, money and increasing responsibility.
Teenagers are beginning to work out who they are and what they believe.
This is also the stage when grandparents may sometimes feel they should step back. After all, teenagers do not usually reach for our hands anymore. But perhaps they need us in a different way.
They may need someone who can listen without immediately reacting. Someone who remembers that growing up is not always easy. Someone who can offer perspective without turning every conversation into a lecture. Someone who can remind them that one bad decision does not have to become a lifetime of bad decisions.
We may no longer be holding their hands. But we can still walk beside them.
And then they are almost adults
Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen.
The child who once needed help tying a shoelace may now be thinking about university, training, employment, money, relationships and leaving home.
They may receive their first salary. They may experience their first serious heartbreak. They may need to decide whether to get into a car with someone who has been drinking.
They may make choices we would not make. They may fail. They may succeed. And increasingly, those decisions belong to them.
This can be one of the hardest transitions for adults who love young people. We want to protect them. We know things they do not yet know. We can sometimes see consequences that they cannot see.
But growing up requires more than learning to make good decisions. It also requires learning to own those decisions.
Our role changes again. We can ask questions. We can share what experience has taught us. We can help them think through consequences. We can encourage them to take responsibility.
But eventually, we have to allow them to choose.
Letting go does not mean disappearing
Perhaps this is one of the most important lessons for grandparents. Letting go is not the same as becoming unnecessary.
A seventeen-year-old may not need Grandpa to solve the problem. But he may still need Grandpa to answer the phone.
A granddaughter may not want Grandma to tell her which career to choose. But she may desperately value someone asking:
“What do you really want?”
A young person may not follow our advice. But they can still know that our door is open. That our love is not dependent on perfect choices. That they can come home, sit at the kitchen table and talk.
Our influence becomes quieter as they grow. But quieter does not mean less important.
Five books for five stages of growing
This changing relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is at the heart of Our Time Together: A Grandparent's Guide to Life's Big Lessons.
That is why we created the series as five books rather than one. Each book meets children at a different stage of growing up.
The first begins with the simple, everyday lessons of early childhood. As the children grow, the conversations grow with them. Friendship, feelings, responsibility, resilience and empathy become increasingly important.
Then come the teenage years, with more difficult choices, greater independence, relationships, money and responsibility.
Finally, the oldest young people are standing on the edge of adulthood. The grandparent is no longer there to tell them what to do, but to help them think, reflect and prepare to make their own decisions.
The lessons change. The conversations deepen. And the relationship grows.
Perhaps we never really stop holding their hand
Not literally, of course. There comes a day when the little hand slips out of ours. And that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Our grandchildren are not ours to keep small.
We are helping them grow into people who can stand on their own feet, make wise choices, recover from mistakes, care about others and take responsibility for the lives they are building.
So we loosen our grip. We give them room.
We trust what has been planted over all those years of stories, conversations, mistakes, laughter and ordinary moments together.
And when they are ready, we let them go.
But perhaps, if we have built the kind of relationship where they know they are always welcome, something beautiful happens.
They come back.
Not because they need us to hold their hand. But because they still want to sit beside us and talk.
And surely that is one of the greatest privileges of being a grandparent.
Our time together changes as they grow, but it never stops mattering.
Tinie & Lynne Terblanche