When Children Get It Wrong – Why Mistakes Are Essential for Emotional Growth
"I got it wrong." Four simple words. Yet for many children, saying them can feel enormous.
A wrong answer. A poor decision. A friendship damaged by something said in anger. A test that didn't go well. A promise forgotten. A game lost. A moment when they knew better—but still made the wrong choice.
As parents and educators, our instinct is often to protect children from these moments. We want to prevent the disappointment. Correct the mistake. Solve the problem. Make things right.
But what if, in constantly trying to protect children from getting things wrong, we are also protecting them from one of life's greatest teachers? Mistakes.
Children Need to Learn That Getting It Wrong Is Not the Same as Being Wrong
There is an enormous difference between: "I made a mistake." And "There is something wrong with me."
Emotionally resilient children gradually learn to separate what they did from who they are. A poor choice does not make them a bad person.
A failed test does not make them stupid. Losing does not make them a loser. Being rejected does not make them unworthy.
Making a mistake simply means: Something happened. I can learn from it. What do I do next? That little phrase—What do I do next?—may be one of the most important questions we can teach a child to ask.
Mistakes Bring Big Emotions
Getting something wrong rarely feels neutral. Children may experience embarrassment. Anger. Disappointment. Shame. Frustration. Fear. They may blame somebody else. They may burst into tears. They may want to give up. They may insist, "I don't care!" when actually they care very deeply.
These moments are not interruptions to Emotional Intelligence development. They are where Emotional Intelligence is developed.
A child cannot learn emotional regulation only by talking about emotions when everything is going well. They learn it when something goes wrong and they have to manage what happens inside them.
"I'm disappointed—but I can cope." "I'm angry—but I don't have to hurt someone." "I'm embarrassed—but I can admit what I did." "I failed—but I can try again."
This is emotional growth happening in real time.
Our Response Matters
Imagine a child spills a glass of milk. One response might be: "Honestly! How many times have I told you to be careful?" Another might be: "Oops. That happened. What do we need to do now?" The milk is still spilled. The child is still responsible for helping clean it up. But the lesson is completely different.
The first response may teach: Mistakes make adults angry. Hide them. The second teaches: Mistakes have consequences. Take responsibility. Fix what you can. Move forward.
This doesn't mean we excuse poor behaviour or remove consequences. Quite the opposite. Accountability is an important part of Emotional Intelligence.
When a child hurts somebody, saying "It was a mistake" isn't the end of the conversation. We can help them ask: What happened? What were you feeling? What choice did you make? Who was affected? What can you do to make it right? What could you do differently next time?
Now the mistake has become a lesson.
Don't Rescue Too Quickly
This can be difficult for adults. We see the forgotten homework on the kitchen table and want to drive it to school. We see a child struggling with a project and want to take over. We see friendship trouble and immediately want to solve it. We see disappointment coming and try to prevent it.
Our intentions are loving. But children also need manageable opportunities to experience consequences, solve problems, and discover: "I can handle this." If adults always rescue them, children may begin believing: "Someone else will fix things when they go wrong." But when we support without immediately taking over, the message becomes: "This is difficult, but I believe you can work through it."
That is how confidence grows. Not through a life without difficulty. But through discovering that difficulty can be faced.
Perfection Is a Heavy Burden
Some children become so afraid of making mistakes that they stop taking risks altogether. They choose the easiest task. They erase an answer repeatedly. They become distressed when they don't achieve the highest mark. They refuse to try something new unless they know they will be good at it. They compare themselves constantly with others.
From the outside, this may look like ambition. Inside, it may sound like: "If I can't do it perfectly, I would rather not do it at all."
That is a difficult way for a child to live.
We need to celebrate achievement, certainly. But perhaps we should also notice: "You kept going when that was difficult." "You changed your approach when the first one didn't work." "You admitted that you were wrong." "You apologised without being forced." "You asked for help." "You tried again."
Those are achievements too. And they may matter far more in adult life than getting everything right the first time.
Failure Can Build Resilience - But Only If We Help Children Process It
We often hear the phrase: "Failure builds resilience." But failure alone doesn't automatically make a child resilient. A child who repeatedly fails and feels humiliated may simply learn to stop trying.
The growth comes from what happens after the setback. Can the child talk about what happened? Can they name what they are feeling? Can they identify what was within their control? Can they learn something from the experience? Can they make another plan? Can they try again?
This is where supportive adults matter enormously. We don't need to remove every obstacle. Sometimes our role is simply to stand nearby and say: "That didn't work. What could you try next?"
The Island Is Full of Mistakes
This is one of the reasons mistakes are such an important part of Survive. Discover. Grow. – The Island Adventure. Gavin, Chloe, Freddie, Andy, and Susan do not arrive on the island knowing how to survive.
They get frightened. They disagree. They misunderstand one another. They become frustrated. They make decisions that don't always work.
And nobody hands them an answer sheet. They have to stop. Think. Listen. Adapt. Apologise. Try something different. And keep going.
The story doesn't present emotionally intelligent children who always make perfect choices. That would not be realistic.
Instead, it shows children developing Emotional Intelligence because things go wrong.
The island becomes a safe place for readers to ask: "What would I have done?" "Why did that character react that way?" "Was that a good decision?" "What could they do differently?"
And perhaps eventually: "What do I do when I get things wrong?"
From "I Can't" to "I Can't Yet"
There is a small word that can change the way children experience difficulty.
Yet.
"I can't do this." becomes: "I can't do this yet." "I don't understand." becomes: "I don't understand yet." "I'm not good at this." becomes: "I'm still learning."
"Yet" doesn't guarantee success. It simply leaves the door open. It reminds children that where they are today does not have to be where they remain tomorrow.
Preparing Children for Real Life
Our children will get things wrong. So will we. There will be failed tests, poor choices, broken friendships, disappointments, missed opportunities, and plans that simply don't work. We cannot prepare children for life by teaching them how to avoid every mistake. We prepare them by teaching them what to do after one.
Pause. Recognise the emotion. Take responsibility. Repair what can be repaired. Learn. Adjust. Try again.
That is resilience. That is accountability. That is self-awareness. That is emotional regulation. That is growth. And that is Emotional Intelligence.
Perhaps our goal should not be to raise children who are afraid of getting things wrong. Perhaps it should be to raise children who know that when they do, they have the courage, skills, and confidence to begin again.
About Survive. Discover. Grow. – The Island Adventure
Survive. Discover. Grow. – The Island Adventure is a story-driven Emotional Intelligence and Life Skills adventure for children aged 9–12.
Through the experiences of five children stranded together on a remote island, young readers encounter challenges involving emotions, relationships, decision-making, problem-solving, resilience, empathy, and teamwork. The children don't always get it right. And that is precisely where the growing begins.
If this article resonates with you, you can order a copy of Survive. Discover. Grow. – The Island Adventure, here below.
Next in the Series When Big Feelings Take Over – Teaching Children to Pause Before They React Because children cannot always control what they feel, but they can gradually learn that feelings do not have to control what they do.